Before you start reading this blog post I would like to invite you to do something that might or might not be new to you. While you read this can you connect to your feelings? What are you experiencing right now, or what will you experience while reading? Is it curiosity, wonder, happiness, anger or disgust? If you do get a strong feeling, feel free to stop reading (or by all means don’t stop, just keep the flow going) and take a second to reflect upon the source of the feeling. Are my words creating the feeling or just triggering a story from your past? If you can connect to a story, is it an experience from your past or is it a story you have been given by someone else that is affecting how you feel right now? I will elaborate on why I invite you to do this later on, but for now, let’s get started.
Have you ever been to a squirt orgasm workshop? If the answer is no, I can really recommend that you try one! If you are not like me you might ask yourself, why would I want to attend one? Now I don’t know anything about you, but I had many reasons to do just that, and this is my tale after attending such a workshop.
One of my many reasons to go was that I think the female body is one of the most beautiful things in this world. Understanding and exploring more of that sacred beauty is to me a great honour when it is within the circle of consent. It is a mystery to me that we have accepted over the ages that our bodies, and being physically intimate, has become such a big taboo that we hardly know anything at all there is to know, especially about the female genitalia. It even seems that many women are unaware of how their own body works in relation to the internal anatomy of their sex and the possible pleasures connected to it.
Luckily research is catching up, I can recommend the book Vagina: A New Biography by Naomi Wolf if you are interested in reading about it. Of course nothing beats exploring the body on your own, or together with someone. If you are a woman and feel embarrassed exploring your own pussy, I invite you to listen to a few words by Grace Hazel talking about pussy empowerment.
However, in my world it is not only research and exploration we need more of, we also need to be able to talk about these things, too. Another one of the many reasons I wanted to go to a squirt orgasm workshop was so that I could have an experience like this to talk about. I feel that there is so much shame and guilt associated with our bodies, sex, intimacy and pleasure in today’s society. As long as these topics stay a taboo and remain subjects that are hard to talk about, I believe it will be hard to move past all the shame. I hope that by being able to open up conversations around these topics we will be able to get a better understanding of ourselves and others and hopefully also remove a lot of the shame and embarrassment associated with these topics. In the end I hope that all this is something that can help us experience more self love and be happier and healthier people.
The squirt orgasm workshop
So how did I end up at a squirt orgasm workshop and how was my experience of it?
My dear friend Linda Örtengren has, through her work, organised squirt orgasm workshops for several years and invited me to attend one that she had planned this fall. I thought it sounded interesting but I didn’t really have anyone to go with. A few weeks before the workshop I gathered courage and asked a woman I know if she wanted to go to the workshop together with me as my training partner. It made me very happy that she said yes.
On the evening of the workshop my training partner and I arrive a few minutes before the workshop begins. When we get to the door of the building we meet another couple that are also going to participate in the workshop (or at least that is my first thought, because I recognise the man from a retreat I had previously attended). We both joke about just being out for an evening stroll, pretending we are not going to participate in something extremely intimate and vulnerable together. Humour always seems to make things easier, especially when one is a little nervous.
I had been to this particular studio before so I knew what to expect inside. From the outside the building looks like a pretty boring grey square, but once inside it is very beautiful and peaceful. Dark wooden floors and soft colours on the walls with lots of drapes that makes the big room feel very cosy. There is a pleasant scent in the air and there are mattresses spread out in a circle in the room. I count seven mattresses, so six couples attending and one for the instructors I guess. My head tells me this feels like a reasonable amount of people to share an experience like this with, not too many and not too few to feel completely alone in the situation either.
Another couple enters the studio, this time I recognise the woman. Boy, I was not expecting to know people at this event. I thought I would be able to come here pretty anonymously, but I was very mistaken in that assumption. Actually the number of people I had met before was the most unexpected part of this event. There was even another couple that I had a feeling I had met before, yet I could not place them, but more on that later.
After some chit chat and once all couples had arrived we sat down, each couple on separate mattresses. We started the workshop doing some exercises to help each couple relax and connect to each other. We got to share within the couples why we were there, if we had any fears, and what the best outcome of this evening could be. My training partner and I had talked about this before the event to some extent, so we took the time to connect deeper to each other in this particular situation. Connection is something amazing, for me there is always something more to notice in regards to my own connection to my mind, body and feelings and my connection to others. The more authentic and vulnerable I allow myself to be, the deeper and more loving connection I experience with others. That said, being my most authentic and vulnerable self does not always feel like the best way to go. How authentic and vulnerable I want to be also depends on the situation and my own boundaries in different settings with different individuals or groups.
Once the connection exercises were done the whole group faced the instructors who had their own mattress which was part of the larger circle. Those of us that wanted to, then got to share why they were there with the whole group. I find sharing to be very powerful and it can really bring a group of people together to create a loving atmosphere, given that the space is facilitated and feels safe for those that are sharing. The instructors then started talking about squirt orgasms and different ways to achieve female ejaculation. I felt that the goal was not that we as participants had to achieve something special or reach a squirt orgasm, rather the instructors wanted us to understand how to best get there and what actually happens within the vagina. It can take practice and getting used to the act itself to get there, and a squirt orgasm does not always happen. That said, though, we were all there to practice and practice makes perfect.
The theoretical discussions were helpful to create a feeling of safety in the group. I do not know about the others but I had never actively tried to achieve a squirt orgasm for a partner before, so it felt reassuring that the instructors talked about it with both calmness and humor for us participants to better understand what to practice on. It felt like the introductions took quite some time. It is interesting how much there is to say about something that seems so simple, but of course it is actually not simple at all to look at the whole picture. Meeting someone in love and body includes so many perspectives, being aware of and being able to take into account all of them can be very overwhelming. I had however watched a few YouTube videos trying to explain squirt orgasms before the event so what the instructors talked about did not feel completely foreign either.
After the theoretical instructions were done the female instructor undressed to show us in practice what they had been talking about. At this point I did get a strong feeling of vulnerability and became a little uncomfortable. It felt strange sitting in a circle staring straight into someone’s vagina. However I fairly quickly realised that I was just projecting my ideas on the instructor of how I would feel if I had been in her place. In other words, I had been internalizing the feelings I thought she had. Our mind is a tricky one and the feelings we experience are not always what we believe them to be. Being aware of my own projection helped me center in myself again and feel safe and grateful towards the instructors for being vulnerable and showing us how a squirt orgasm could be achieved.
The instructors started by connecting to each other. Getting a squirt orgasm through mechanical movements is possible but what we were here to experiment with was how to also include pleasure in the process. Ejaculating is one thing, but being present in love while ejaculating is something completely different. Once the instructors seemed to have created a safe space and felt connected the male instructor started with the motions. They were both clear on the fact that every time and situation is different and they did not know beforehand how this session would actually end up and if there would be a squirt orgasm or not. Time works in strange ways sometimes. Looking back at all this it did not feel like many minutes before the female instructor did get a squirt orgasm. At that point I was happy the theoretical introductions had been a little longer. I believe it would have felt like a little too short of a time to prepare if there had only been the practical introductions, and then we as participants would have had to jump into our own practice directly.
Once the demonstrations were over and we had all gotten our questions answered the group took a break to prepare for the practical part of the workshop. In the break the couple I thought I recognised apparently had recognised me too and finally figured out from where. They asked me to guess but I told them I couldn’t. I don’t like to be wrong and so I don’t like to guess when there is a low likelihood of me being right. I chuckle at myself thinking about all the little things I do or don’t do when I let my fears rule and in this case trying to keep my pride intact. They don’t press me to guess and when they tell me where they remember me from I remember, too. We danced together in Spain a couple of years ago. Small world indeed!
After the break we got to connect with our partner again, and start our own exploration towards the squirt orgasm. Now, this is where the text could start getting really juicy. However, with respect for my training partner and to keep some privacy I will not go into too much detail now. I will, however say that this was an awesome experience that I will remember and cherish for a long time going forward.
During the rest of the session, the space I existed in primarily centered around me and my training partner’s mattress. Sure, I occasionally heard noises from other participants and the instructors talked to the whole group from time to time, giving encouragement to stay focused in the present and with our partner. It was also possible to ask for help or further tips from the instructors during our own practice. I believe some of the other couples did this, I however felt such a strong connection with my training partner that it would have felt wrong to break that connection asking for advice. A small part of me felt egoistic for wanting this time and connection to just be about us, or what I felt in the moment. I talked to my training partner about this afterwards and luckily she seemed to have felt no need for interacting with the instructors either, and liked the connection we had during our practice.
I am so humbled and grateful for having been able to do something like this. I am thankful for the instructors being able to create and hold such a safe and loving space for us participants. I am thankful for the other participants meeting together like this and showing up vulnerable and open for all the love a meeting like this can create. I will forever be thankful that my training partner said yes when I asked her to accompany me to this event and I am impressed by her strength and courage for daring to be vulnerable in a situation like this, together with me, allowing me to grow as a person in the wonderful meeting that we had. I am also thankful that both my training partner and Linda felt safe enough to allow me to publish this blog post with my experiences of our evening together.
We ended the workshop with all participants sharing if there was something they wanted to say. I checked out on a similar note as I started this blog post “The female body is both beautiful and wonderful and I love it!”.
While I was writing this blog post I felt that I would like to spread to others all the wonderful things I learned during this workshop. I would also like to invite others to explore their own bodies and experiment with the pleasure their bodies can give them, which is why I decided to try to write down the things our instructors told us so that others can choose to try it out for themselves if they like.
Before I start talking about the squirt orgasm or things like the G-spot, I just want to acknowledge that there are many people that would argue none of these really exist. I sometimes also see people reacting to men talking about female anatomy or experiences as something wrong, as men can not possibly understand the female anatomy or what goes on within them (I don’t blame them though, based on all the mansplaining the vagina has suffered over the ages). However if you have strong reactions to what I am writing I would like to remind you of what I wrote in my first paragraph. This might be a golden opportunity for you to learn more about yourself. While I am not so much interested in finding out some kind of absolute truth, I do wish that we as individuals and society would start exploring what we believe is right and wrong for ourselves and also notice where these beliefs come from. As an extension to this line of thought, if you feel that what is right for you must also be right for others and you really want others to see the world the same way you do, please notice how you go about teaching others about your world. Are you inviting others to see the world your way or are you forcing them to accept the world the same way you experience it?
That said, I also want to acknowledge that I am a man and I do not have a G-spot (as such). I am also not a self proclaimed expert on these topics. All the things I am trying to portray in this blog post is knowledge and information that I have had the benefit of gaining thanks to wonderful women (and men) in my life. This is part of my own exploration of these topics and how to address them. Something else that I think is important to take into consideration is that all women are different (surprise surprise). This might seem like an obvious thing but I still get the feeling it needs to be said, specifically as much of today’s sexual standards in regards to how sex should be and how women should look is unfortunately set by the porn industry. What happens in porn is only a small fraction of how people look and how sex can be when compared to all the possible experiences and expressions in the whole world.
Sigh, lots of meta talk here. But I hope you all can appreciate that talking about how we talk about sensitive topics is also a major part of our development as individuals and our exploration of our selves. But that said, let’s get down to business.
I did some more research after the workshop and found that Wikipedia already has some relevant information on squirt orgasms (or female ejaculation which seems to be the more appropriate clinical definition) and the G-spot. So I will just give the short version of my understanding on the topic, which might not necessarily be in line with everything that is mentioned on Wikipedia.
When a person reaches the point of a squirt orgasm it can feel like they need to pee. As peeing is not a favorable part of the sex act for many people, it is easy to get tense and try to hold back. This can create a lot of unfavorable consequences which one of them is pain. To allow for a relaxed feeling during squirting experiments it can be favorable for the person to go to the toilet before the act so that they can feel more relaxed to release once they feel sufficiently stimulated. It can also get very wet, so if you are purposely experimenting with squirting it might be good to use an extra towel or something similar to lie on.
One way to achieve a squirt orgasm seems to be to manually stimulate the G-spot area. This can be hard to reach on your own, so you might want help using sex-toys or a partner. Contrary to what the above picture shows I find that the G-spot is easier to reach using my middle finger and ring finger rather than the index finger and middle finger. While I enter the middle finger and ring finger, I let my index finger and pinky stay outside the vagina pointing downwards (if the person I am doing this on is lying on their back).
Initially it can be good to start stimulating the G-spot area by stroking the two fingers towards the vagina opening slowly and repeatedly. Imagine beckoning “come here” with your two fingers inside the vagina. Once the G-spot area gets stimulated the surface texture might feel a little more rough. At some point, which is hard to tell exactly when it is, it can be better to switch the horizontal stroking pattern to a more vertical pushing and pulling (horizontal and vertical based on the person still lying on their back). So basically you keep your two fingers in a horizontal position and start pushing them down towards whatever the person is lying on (imagine still having your fingers inside the vagina but pushing towards the anus) and then back up towards the G-spot area. What speed and force to use when doing these movements depends of course on what feels best for the person you are doing this with, but in the up and down motion more force than you might think can be useful. However, make sure you are careful and that you stay connected with your partner so that you don’t hurt them. It is also beneficial to use your whole arm and shoulder in this movement, if you only use your fingers and hand it can become tiring quite fast. You can also try to bend your fingers slightly inside the vagina and when pulling up towards the G-spot area also feel that you push up towards the pubic bone.
When you start getting closer to squirting there can be a squishy sound. Try to follow that sound and keep up the vertical movements. Faster or slower is up to the situation, try to listen to the sound and connect to your partner to see what is appropriate. How long it takes until they reach a squirt orgasm can vary much between partners and situations. If you do reach a squirt orgasm, then maybe you have found a new routine to reach pleasure as well as something new to play with in your sex act. If, on the other hand, it doesn’t happen, don’t feel bad. Either you can keep on going, or stop and try later or at another time. Squirting can take practice. Then again, maybe it’s just not your thing at all. Either way if you are experimenting with this please keep it joyful and try not to make it into a competition where you feel you need to reach a squirt orgasm.
One aspect that is worth mentioning again is that doing the motions and squirting compared to actually reaching a squirt orgasm that brings a lot of pleasure can be two completely different experiences. Only you know how to best connect to yourself and your partner and bring pleasure to the sex act instead of just doing the motions. Try to talk about it and see what works best for you in your situation.
If you feel curious to test a squirt orgasm workshop after reading this much about it, you can check out Linda’s Instagram to see if she is planning any workshops in the near future. Or you can try to find other practitioners that are offering similar workshops.
Lets talk more about sex!
While contemplating what I had written above, I also felt that there is a larger topic that I would like to open up as well, and that is the general topic of sex. So while I have your attention let’s continue talking a little more about sex!
Why you might ask? For starters it is fun (both to talk about and to do). However, while it is fun, it is also a very serious business. Serious in the sense that it can help us face many fears and help us overcome trauma, but it might just as well be what causes trauma if not approached in a safe environment with consent. Business as in sex sells, both in the sense that it can bring attention to something good, but it can also create hell on earth for those that might be used by others to get money from a rotten business. Acknowledging that there are many pitfalls and darker aspects of sex, I am mostly focused on the enjoyable parts in this blog post. I will let others talk about the less desirable aspects or maybe write another post about those at a later time.
But what are we actually talking about here, what is sex? Is going to a squirt orgasm workshop having sex? One way to look at it is that your sex is the trait of your reproductive organ. That is not primarily what I am talking about here though, I am more interested in what sex as an act is. My guess is that sex for most people usually has something to do with the genitalia though, either sticking one into the other or having fun with one or both of them if you are two partners enjoying the act. On the other end of the spectrum there are some people that don’t even have to be in the same room as the other person and still experience having sex with them. Regardless of where on the spectrum you feel you are, I am not actually that interested in finding a common definition we can all agree on. What I feel is more interesting is where you yourself perceive that the line is drawn and sex happens, in other words what is sex to you? I invite you to take a few seconds (or as long time as you like) to reflect on what sex is for you.
If you managed to come up with an answer to what sex is for you, I invite you to also think about where you have gotten this definition from. Did you decide it yourself, is it something passed down from your family or from another source? What I find interesting is that when we start investigating our beliefs and where they come from, we often notice that our beliefs come from others. This does not necessarily have to be a problem, it is good that we learn from others. But I also feel that it is very important to be aware of who makes you believe what, or who it is that influences your beliefs. One of the reasons this is important is that once we start understanding our beliefs I find that we can more easily understand our boundaries. In regards to sex I think boundaries are super important and it is also important that we are aware of who it is that is setting these boundaries. Are they based on what we want to do or what someone else wants us to do?
Another perspective from which to view sex is from the boundary perspective. Let’s take cheating for example. Where do you draw the line for cheating? Is cheating when you have sex, or can cheating also be something else? Once we start understanding our boundaries we can also more safely start investigating what it is that we want or don’t want, both in life but more specifically in regards to sex in the context of this blog post. What do you want to get out of having sex and why do you have it? Is it to achieve a feeling of power, pleasure, purpose or out of guilt? Is it all of those or none of those? Is there an underlying desire you have for having sex? If you are curious about how I differentiate between want and desire I have written a separate blog post about those two words.
Whatever your answers are to these questions, I do not believe it is about being right or wrong. It is about understanding who we are in this particular moment and also about being able to communicate to others who we are and what we want and desire. Because I believe that once we are able to communicate our wants and desires to each other (preferably without judgment) that we can truly meet each other and start building healthy relationships both to ourselves and together with each other. I also believe that sex and intimacy is an extremely important part of many relationships, which makes it ever more important to be able to understand what we want and desire in regards to sex and how to communicate that to our partner or partners.
I would like to end this blog post talking about consent, but I feel I can not do a better job in that regard than Betty Martin. So, I will just offer you a link to her webpage about The wheel of consent and advise you to check out her videos! If everyone went through school and got to practice what is taught in these videos and actually managed to understand and take to heart what it is all about, I believe we would live in a much more healthy and peaceful world.